no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
