I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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