how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
