I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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