Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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