I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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