If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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