I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
