I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
