The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
