i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
