The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize