i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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