Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
