I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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