i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
