Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(773): View more from Illinois

My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.

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(209): View more from California

I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.

(859): View more from Kentucky

Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating

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(254): View more from Texas

Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP

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(813): View more from Florida

For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.

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(516): View more from New York

I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb

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