I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
