3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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