i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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