Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
