I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
