glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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