Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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