Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
