I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
