im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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