I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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