We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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