Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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