Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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