Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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