Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
