If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
