the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
