dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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