I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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