When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
