Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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