I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Is it because I queefed?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
