y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
