fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
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