Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Randomize