The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
