I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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