I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize