I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize