So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just found a bag of teeth...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
