I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
