apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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