they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
