Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
