My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
