I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
