he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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